Electromagnetic Networks: An Apology

09/10/01: For immediate release
Keywords: engineers worthless drunkards apology

Electromagnetic Networks would like to sincerely apologize for our website over the weekend, the arrests of our engineers, and their very public actions with a Sharpie that led to their arrest. All of these events besmirched the good name of our Laboratories, and caused us at no little expense to purchase at the last minute a new copy of 500 Names for Your Laboratory. (Actually, it was originally titled something else, but determined to use the events of the weekend profitably, we employed the previously mentioned Sharpie for the cause of good, and corrected the obvious typographical error of the word "Baby" in the title.)

As you may have noticed, our engineers got a little carried away with the S1G excitement over the weekend, and got into the Gin... and the webserver. After thoroughly defacing the website, they protested our refusal to classify alcohol as "office supplies" and stole all of the magic markers from the supply cabinet. They used the markers to write rude things all over our webserver's chassis, stopping only when the Gin bottle ran dry.

Not content with the mayhem they had already committed, they proceeded to terrorize the locals at a nearby bar. Somehow, they lined up five topless women, one of them with a mole on her chest. A small fight broke out when it became clear that they were not going to share the Sharpies that they had stolen, and intended to draw circles on the women themselves, but the bouncers at the bar were sufficient to quash that disturbance. We at Electromagnetic Networks wish that the next insurgence had been so simple to put down. Details are sketchy, but it somehow involves demonstrating the number 1,000,000,000.0 with various body parts. All that we know is that the locals at the bar were so horrified by whatever our engineers did that those who didn't flee leapt upon them and started to beat them severely.

Our engineers held their own for a good while. Apparently one of them yelled something about no one getting between him and his gin, while another kept yelling "Beancounters!" while hitting attackers in the head with an empty bottle. One of the bartenders, fearing that the fight would not stop until the bar had been trashed and all of the alcohol spirited away by our engineers, called the police. Electromagnetic Networks, as a matter of best practices, has given every bar within an 8 mile radius a list of contact numbers for just this sort of engineer-related emergency, but it seems that the situation had escalated beyond the bartender's willingness to not involve local law enforcement.

Again, we at Electromagnetic Networks apologize for the behavior of our engineers last weekend. Rest assured that we are taking all necessary steps to prevent this situation from occurring again (for example, at S2G).

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entertaining
by mole () on 09/10/2001 at 12:07 (#1)
being the mole on the aforementioned chest, I found it all quite fun till someone rammed a Sharpie up my jacksie...

New service industry?
by deadpuppy () on 09/15/2001 at 18:41 (#2)
Perhaps there are moles (or other mammals) out there that would be interested in EMN consulting services that involve party-planning (logistics of gin consumption, single-use-Sharpies, jacksie-angle engineering for Sharpie- ramming, etc). It's got to sell better than the Cereal.

an injustice
by Junkie () on 12/25/2001 at 19:09 (#3)
damn, that sucks. i was suspended from school for using PHP. those bastards.