Electromagnetic Networks Booze-o-Matic

08/09/02: For immediate release
Keywords: alcoholism triangulation insanity

Electromagnetic Networks has finally solved the problem of not remembering if there is any gin left in the bottle, and even that of whether you left it in the bathroom next to the shower or in the basement next to the power tools. We are proud and excited (if not a little intoxicated) to present our latest advance in potent potable tracking & discovery technology, the Booze-o-Matic. This revolutionary product represents the epitome in alcohol triangulation technology.

Our engineers, working from a previously undiscovered laboratory notebook left behind by our former engineering team, made this remarkable discovery, all the more amazing given that we had no idea our ex-engineers kept notebooks. It seems that shortly before their termination, in a quest to determine if Science still sucks, our team had nearly made this major breakthrough. In a hitherto unknown fit of efficency, they were combining this research with an attempt to discover the whereabouts of any remaining caches of gin better than the Beefeater we were supplying. (The details of our now wholly vindicated attempts to increase engineering diligence by decreasing gin quality are given in our Hoe-Hose press release.) Our new engineers promptly followed this research to the desired conclusion, and within a mere matter of three weeks and only twelve cases of various brands and qualities of alcohol, had a working prototype. True, only two of the cases were filled with different sorts of liquor, and the remaining ten were filled with not Tanqueray but Sapphire, but this is easily explained by our engineers' desire to test the device under the conditions previously planned for the unit.

This amazing invention has proven itself of not only indicating the direction of a supply of "booze", as Dmitrius terms it, but also the proximity and quantity, with an extremely low error rate. The frequency of the tones emitted indicates the total pure alcohol volume, while the pause between tones indicates the distance. (Operation of the device when within a few inches or so of a quantity of alcohol is not suggested, to prevent local housepets from becoming homicidal, as well as to reduce any possible chance of explosion. We at Electromagnetic Networks have already had to replace several panels of drywall when a test was conducted in what used to be Marketing, and we're afraid the CFO will take quite some time to recover from the burns.)

We managed to catch some of our engineers before the celebration of the successful discovery got too out of hand. When we asked Nikoliaus about any practical uses he envisioned for the Booze-o-Matic, he responded with a first-hand experience. "Is seemink that Dmitri," he slurred, "in most un-team playerish way, had been managink to be hidink large bottle of Sapphire from noble friend Nikolai. Thanks to Booze-o-Matic, bottle was found and beink consumed." He promptly added, "Even though I don't like Sapphire and only drink Tanqueray. Was chokink it down for good of labs; Dmitrius cannot be standink sight of Sapphire." It seeems that the sight of empty Sapphire bottles also enrages Dmitrius, for at this point he picked one of them and started chasing Nikoliaus around the Laboratories, muttering something like "Will be showink you who is beink team player!" (This is most odd, since no one had accused him of not being a team player.) Unfortuately, this cut short our interview.

Nevertheless, Electromagnetic Networks is sure that this new product is sure to be a smashing success. In fact, it sounds as if either Dmitrius has caught Nikolaius, or the Booze-o-Matic has been left on near some unconsumed Everclear in an extremely thin bottle, and therefore has just hit the bottle's specific frequency. But gone forever are the days of misplacing one's alcohol.

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how
by brian (brian at stack nl) on 08/12/2002 at 05:52 (#1)
does it work? does it use a revolutionary type of NMR, or does it work by sniffing the gases and detecting alcohol with a GC? either way, the broken drywall suggests either a very powerful device, or an employee who was being very protective of his booze (and used the non-stick kitchen utensil prototype :) ).

My guess
by Sk () on 08/24/2002 at 11:55 (#2)
is that it works my focusing the potential state of drunkenness that exists in us all and trys to close the gap between the potential and the reality. the closer the possibility,(ie the more concentrated the alcohol) the greater the pull between the potential and the mechanism for creating the potential and thus a louder sound for higher alcohol concentration.

Twaddle
by Teapot Handle (john@baptist.com) on 12/06/2002 at 08:38 (#3)
Poppycock

Twaddle
by Teapot Handle (john@baptist.com) on 12/06/2002 at 08:38 (#4)
Poppycock

hi
by 500 (chuothai1985@yahoo.com) on 02/06/2003 at 05:08 (#5)
an tet vui ve

workings
by Hawklord (hawklord2112@blueyonder.co.uk) on 02/07/2003 at 08:00 (#6)
i realised that since the booze-o-matic uses tonal differentiation to identify quantities present that the kit comes with a small hammer, for gently tapping purported gin containers.
this should then (in theory) create the tonal residence with a secondary harmonic indicating the density of any potent potable content - hance being able to identify the brand of gin.
is this correct>
or have i drunk too much gin?
PS you guys should try Plymouth Gin. much better than any other brand.