08/10/01: For immediate release
Keywords: failure disaster S-2 disclosure
After spending the last month searching in vain for Innsmouth, MA, our
engineers decided to abandon the world tour and return to the Laboratories.
Much to their horror, they discovered that their expense accounts were
nullified, since the product demonstrations that were planned never took
place. Facing massive hangovers, threatening calls from their banks, and
incredible gastrointestinal discomfort from consuming the entire existing
supply of UNIX Bits®, our disgruntled
engineers promptly sent the U.S. Securities and Exchange Commision a rude
letter discussing possible impediments to an upcoming Electromagnetic
Networks Initial Public Offering (proposed symbol: EMNT).
The SEC and the Department of Justice had a few words with us about
proper disclosure of liabilities, and lest anyone accidentally invest in
Electromagnetic Networks without knowing even the tiniest smidgen of the
history of our fine Laboratories, we present a brief rundown of previous
failed products and other possible blemishes upon our record.
The Search for Innsmouth
Most recently, our engineers departed on what was to be a whirlwind
world tour to promote Electromagnetic Networks. As detailed above, it was
nearly a total loss. Nonetheless, four important learning experiences came
out of this exercise. First, always make sure that the product you are
trying to sell can double as a life preserver in emergencies. Second, never
trust engineers to do a salesman's job, even if their expense account rides
on it. Third, never trust engineers who have cancelled expense account
vouchers, especially if the SEC hotline is on their cellular phones' speed
dial. And fourth, always make sure that the stopoffs on planned tours are
on your maps, and doublecheck that the places really exist before
trying to visit them.
Sweet 'n' Nasty
Some time ago, our engineers discovered the fact that Science Sucks. Although there were several factors
to this discovery, one key component was the application of the Scientific
Method to determining the least horrible artificial sweetener. Immediately
after application, our engineers were enlightened with the spark of
discovery. Their continued research was intended to support a new
artificial sweetener that combined the horrifying aftertaste of one major
sweetener with the sickly sweetness of another. Product tests went
surprisingly badly, however, and no vending packs of Sweet 'n' Nasty were
ever produced. The laboratory prototypes occasionally turn up during bouts
of extended research with Sir Arthur Guinness or Mr. Bombay Sapphire, much
to our engineers' horror and distaste.
The Wet Dry Bar
Can you never partake of the hair of the dog as quickly as possible,
because you don't remember to restock the bathroom with rum? Are you
unhappy because your bar doesn't fit in the shower? Does it dissatisfy you
that there's nowhere safe to put your drink when you're relaxing in the tub?
Well, Electromagnetic Networks would have had the solution to all of your
worries, had this product not turned out to be a dramatic failure, and a
candidate for wallopingly large liability lawsuits. Yes, the Wet Dry Bar
could have gone with you everywhere! The tub, the shower, even the beach!
Made of sturdy waterproof plastic and equipped with enough drawers for ten
shot glasses, five highballs, and two 1.75L bottles, this bouyant
marvel would have made you the hit of the bathroom! Gone forever would be
the embarassment of being without a dry bar; this portable miracle could
have ended sobriety as we know it. As it stands, you'll just have to remember
to restock the rum, since our own lawyers have threatened to sue us if we
sell any Wet Dry Bars.
Well, there you have it. All of the failed Electromagnetic Networks
products to date that have managed to escape the lab are listed above.
Speaking of escaping, we need to go track down our engineers and, er, thank
them appropriately for this opportunity to discuss these matters with the
nice gentlemen from the DoJ.
You guys have outdone yourselves this time by Stormking (danlevy@wam.umd.edu) on 08/20/2001 at 16:53 (#1) hooray
Of course you failed by Hawklord (hawklord2112@aol.com) on 09/04/2001 at 16:10 (#2) .. you didnt ensure that all your cereals had online multiplayer supprt. numnuts.
On the contrary... by Ham Monger () on 09/04/2001 at 18:03 (#4) Our cereals were massively multiplayer. We were never able to determine the maximum number of players at once, but we were confident that it would have exceeded the number of boxes we expected to sell.
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