01/08/02: For immediate release
Keywords: gardening simplicty combination overkill
Did you know that the "Garden Weasel"® isn't even a real weasel? In a brilliant marketing campaign, released just too late for the winter shopping season, Electromagnetic Networks is proud to announce the development of the Hoe-Hose! The Electromagnetic Networks Hoe-Hose is both a real hoe and a real hose, and is even more useful than either one alone!
As a part of our new marketing campaign, the Electromagnetic Networks Marketing Department is proud to announce a new sales campaign to accompany the release of the Hoe-Hose. Taking a cue from a particular automotive insurance company's advertisements, and from an overwhelming theme of the just-passed season, a large number of extremely qualified inviduals have been recruited for the highly competitive jobs of Hoe-Hose 'Hos. Expect the Hoe-Hose 'Hos to visit your town soon! 1
But you may well be asking youself "Other than being advertised with a shameless ploy that exploits both men and women, what makes the Electromagnetic Networks Hoe-Hose worth owning?" Just in case you are, we have thoughtfully answered this question in extensive, yet nearly meaningless detail, just for you, our valued potential customer! Not only is the Hoe-Hose pronounced just like tasty artificial food product, it also renders your garden soil nearly an identical consistency. The Hoe-Hose may be spelled differently, but the pronunciation and operation of the two are nearly identical. 2
The Hoe-Hose was developed after the company-supplied stocks of research Sapphire Gin were replaced with Beefeater, in an effort to increase engineer productivity. Sadly, this plan backfired, since the engineers spent an entire development cycle trying to create a commercially viable Gin Denastifying Still. When project review time came around, our highly-paid (possibly even overpaid) engineers frantically proved that desperation is the mother of invention, and raided a landscaping truck for a hoe, to which they attached some left-over tubing from the failed stills. However, when they took a step back and regarded the new product with gin-deprived eyes, the amazing potential of this product became clear! In fact, our engineers loved the Hoe-Hoses so much, they chased the entire marketing department around with them for weeks, until a quick-thinking Lead Prevaricator lured them back to the Labs with a fifth of Sapphire.
All of this aside, the Hoe-Hose is the greatest advance in gardening tool technology since the development of the lawn mower! No longer must you tediously hoe out roots, small rocks, and those pesky poisonous snakes, and then drag out the hose to wash away debris and snake parts or to soften the soil. Now, simply by attaching an industry standard garden hose to your Hoe-Hose, you can perform all of these tasks quickly and easily! In fact, with proper adjustment of your water pressure at the mains, you can even simplify the hoeing experience by slicing through stubborn clay or even cement. 3,4
Just think, if the Hoe-Hose had been released just one month ago, they would make excellent stocking stuffers (well, for people with size 73 stockings)! Don't let our delay to market stop you - the Hoe-Hose also makes a wonderful 'I didn't really forget to get you a Christmas present" present for the whole family! Buy it for yourself! Buy it for your friends! Please!
Note 1: All presentations and performances of the Hoe-Hose 'Hos are illegal in 49 states and most of the 50th, and therefore this marketing campaign will only take place in those portions of the United States where not prohibited by law.
Note 2: That is, if you enjoy chewing on your garden soil.
Note 3: Water not included. Please contact your local utility or sewer company to provide water service for your Hoe-Hose and entire house.
Note 4: Electromagnetic Networks is not responsible for any damage caused by increased water pressure, including, but not limited to, damages to water pipes or sewer systems, small pets, or children.
(Electromagnetic Networks is not affiliated in any way with General Motors, Interstate Bakeries Corporation, or Lebanon, PA.)
But...
by kojo (kevinricche@hotmail.com) on 01/20/2002 at 11:26 (#1)
I really thought this was going to have something to do with Pantyhose. Really, wouldn't a garden-tool/leg-stockings combo be more useful, you know, in an everyday sense?
i agree
by berry (berryhill2001@yahoo.com) on 01/20/2002 at 11:28 (#2)
i agree with kojo --where were the focus groups on this one?
Total Comments: 2
All comments are owned by their author. All other content is copyright ©2000-2008, Electromagnetic Networks
Comments on this Document