03/08/03: For immediate release
Keywords: intoxication shocking overpowered
Faced with an alarming lack of money in the corporate coffers, and an unprecedented jump in the negative cash flow at Electromagnetic Networks (possibly brought on by Dmitri's discovery of the availability of online sales of Sapphire to companies claiming distributor status), the engineers came to a sobering realization. "Comrade, is beink clear that are needink money for to be buyink gin with."
Endowed with both massive hangovers and a clear sense of purpose, the engineers set about defining requirements for a new product. Following are their largely unedited notes, recovered from the police after some of their research into gin portability landed them in their home away from home, the drunk tank.
These notes are largely unedited mostly because they don't pay me enough as systems administrator to be a technical writer. I had to decipher Nikolai's truly original interpretation of handwriting to release this, but I'll be damned if I'm going to try to make them make sense. Perhaps firing everyone in Marketing was not the Networks' most brilliant action.
For internal use only
January 14th, 2003:
Important note: not to be performing research into what is happening when
plugging 220-to-110 VAC transformer into Laboratories' 880 VAC main power
feed. Especially important not to be using last 220-to-110 transformer.
Also especially important to be having fire extinguisher not refilled with
gin for "storage." Dmitri most displeased that finding secret
hiding place for emergency Gin. Fire Department most displeased to have
to be visiting Laboratories again. Fines becoming prohibitively
expensive. Petty funds box running low.
January 15th, 2003:
Have found old Hoe-Hose prototype after cleaning
up near power feed. Thinking if hooking up prototype to blender, could
be making much better gin
denastifier. Must be finding copper tubing and/or kettle for still.
Knowing where to be finding cheap copper cabling, but tubing, kettle
being harder to find.
January 16th, 2003:
Making poor progress. Blender is unexpectedly full of little bits of
oranges from last time tried to be making Orange Julius. Quite nicely
fermented, but according to bottle of Sapphire, oranges not being
key ingredient in Gin.
January 17th, 2003:
Screwdriver! Triple Sec!
January 25th, 2003:
Screwdrivers not being civilized drinks. Must be researching other
things to be using blender for making. Other note: American blender
working much more effectively when plugged into Laboratories' 220 VAC
feed. Is good, because 110 receptacles all being used up. Not being
problem that second-to-last transformer not behaving within thermal tolerances.
Funding status: poor. Most of petty cash mysteriously missing, replaced
with bail receipts from local Police Station.
January 26th, 2003:
Much progress made. Made suitable power supply modifications, is now
being possible to
be juicing rocks, stones. Juice not actually being tasty, but am happy
to be able to be writing something in "Progress" column.
Fiscal outlook: bleak.
January 27th, 2003:
Been being forced to be breaking last $20 on buying more oranges and limes.
Have grand plan for
blender, but am hoping Dmitri still too drunk to read logbook. Having found
emergency supply of duct tape, can be using to be making all manner of
attachments to blender: safety seal, carrying handle, pouches on side,
etc.
January 31st (am thinking), 2003:
Having escaped from closet. Have learned lesson about making sure is
enough money left for buying Sapphire before buying citrus fruits. Few oranges,
limes survived, but are three or four that not being too squashed. Idea:
juicing squash? Bad times, may have to be dipping into old management's
Beefeater.
February 1st or 2nd, 2003:
Have made unpleasant discovery. Must write down, short term memory bad.
Perhaps squash juice good for memory, will be having some.
February 1st or something, still, 2003:
Squash juice not good for improving memory, but not seeming to harm,
either. Perhaps orange juice being good for memory. Only having three oranges
left, two limes. Will be hiding from Dmitri. Hoping not forgetting hiding
place.
February 2nd or 1st:
Have made unpleasant discovery. Also cannot be finding limes.
January 35th, 1977:
Have made unpleasant discovery. Am having serious burns on fingers, not
sure where came from. Also have made unpleasant discovery.
February 4th, 2003:
Watched Dmitri trying to be making orange juice. Seeming that juicer working
normally, aside from high electrolyte concentration in oranges making juicer
deliver powerful electric shocks. Have propped Dmitri against wall away
from me, with sign in front of him with name on it. Perhaps Dmitri will be
stopping asking what his name is being. Still cannot be finding limes.
February 5th, 2003:
Have found electrical problem: copper cabling stolen from Mother Bell not
being properly waterproofed at splice point. Hooking up to 220 VAC seeming poor
plan in retrospect.
February 6th, 2003:
Have found duct tape for forming rudimentary heatshrink insulation, but is
having bad habit of coming off and mixing with drink. Results less than
delicious.
February 7th, 2003:
Duct tape insulation caught fire, destroyed blender. Must be using spare
blender now. Lucky that Fire Department not needed to be being called,
as spare drywall making excellent fire-smothering compound.
February 8th, 2003:
Finally being forced into drinking Beefeater. Renewed sense of
purpose. Duct tape pouch on side of juicer sufficiently waterproof
that gin not leaking out. Is misfortunate, is meaning that is remaining
more Beefeater to be drinking, but is fortunate, is meaning that is
any gin at all to be drinking. Is being proof that using epoxy instead of
normal alcohol-based adhesive on tape being not bad idea.
In other news, must to be finding alternate power supply for blender.
Power company paying visit, telling of further dire consequences
if not stopping habit of breaking out power at electric pole instead
of at entry point in Laboratories. Also was taking with them breaker box
mysteriously being present upon electric pole.
February 9th, 2003:
Realizing if blender using batteries, can be coating liberally with
vulcanized rubber. Side note: vulcanized rubber can be being attached
to blender with suitable amount of leftover epoxy. Also side note:
is being good free source of vulcanized rubber in parking lot. Am glad,
as am no longer being allowed to be spending remaining paltry funds. Hoping
system administrator not needing to be turning left in near
future. Now that juicer being wrapped in insulating vulcanized
rubber, will not be providing powerful shocks. As bonus, adding
batteries is also is making
juicer portable. Will be conducting limited tests with Beefeater. Is being
devoutly to be wished that results can be generalized to include Sapphire.
February 10th, 2003:
Found limes, were in glove compartment of system administrator's car.
Car seeming to be in same space as yesterday. Is best space in lot, if
still in space tomorrow, will be having car towed.
On plus side, cold seems to have made
limes less mushy. Cranked blender to full power, am still cleaning lime
bits off of ceiling of laboratories. Still having spare lime. Needing new
batteries.
February 11th, 2003:
Needing better way to put batteries in blender. Have fashioned clever door
out of extra duct tape, but is not holding when blender being cranked up to full
power. Am calling this safety feature, will be forced to ship with, as
gin supply currently unacceptable. Did not have system administrator's
car towed, as dire threats made by system administrator being surprisingly
frightening. Administrator not having noticed missing tire, having forgotten
where living.
February 12th, 2003:
Dmitri, self going on trip to test portability. Thought about borrowing
system administrator's car, thought better, are using last of funds to
take public transportation. Having spare batteries in case of juicing
emergency.
Last checklist to be making sure is meeting requirements:
For internal use only
Here their notes end. Since I managed to buy the Gin and Juicer back from the store clerk who swapped the engineers four bottles of Sapphire for it, I at Electromagnetic Networks am happy to announce the release of this product back into the wild, where it belongs. If someone buys it, not only will the engineers be able to get more gin, but I can mail this thing far far away from the laboratories, where the engineers cannot get into trouble with it.
a triumphant..
by Hawklord2112 (hawklord2112@blueyonder.co.uk) on 04/17/2003 at 15:52 (#1)
..return! w00t!
*does first comment dance*
for so long have i missed the updates from EMnet. thx.
RossK
Like what?
by MeowMan (cat@dog.com) on 07/11/2003 at 17:33 (#2)
Yeah man. I was sippin' dat 'chit col' chillin...
damn
by squirt () on 11/02/2003 at 20:17 (#3)
You boys sure have been busy between coding & coffee at the diner now haven'tcha :D
gosh...
by hunted () on 01/19/2004 at 17:14 (#4)
good lord, what a read......
Total Comments: 4
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