02/18/02: For immediate release
Keywords: impossible quotas unsellable product
The hard-working engineers at Electromagnetic Networks have done it again! After an extended sojourn into the land of culinary experimentation, and several research trips to the emergency room, our engineers noticed that all of the cooking hammers in the Laboratories had become dirty and quite difficult to use. Our engineers realized that solving this problem could make them as famous as the inventor of the portable waffle iron. They immediately proceeded to develop the next breakthrough in kitchen utensils: the Non-Stick Hammer!
Judging by the amount of materiel consumed during research, this invention was by no means as obvious as it might now seem. Every great idea seems simple after it has been developed, and the Non-Stick Hammer is so intoxicating in its simplicity that the thought process must have been mind-boggling, or so our research staff maintains. Proof beyond the reimbursement paperwork our engineers submitted rests in the subtlety of one of the refinements upon the original prototype. After the loss of several gross of hammers (and a not inconsiderable amount of drywall), our engineers realized that perhaps they were being over-liberal in applying non-stick compounds, and only the heads of the hammers should be made non-sticky.
This proved a roaring success, made all the more shocking by the destruction of several objects thought previously unbreakable. Once our engineers, at least temporarily demented with the heady rush of discovery, left the Laboratories and began to terrorize the innocent Marketing Department yet again, the damage could be surveyed. The only objects other than Gin bottles that were spared were leftover boxes of Cocoa Chown and, to a lesser extent, Dent-Resistant Fake Plastic Smartasses. 1
Since the task of writing the announcements that help to provide revenue for Electromagnetic Networks falls to the Marketing Department, one might presume that it was short-sighted of the engineers to cause such greivous bodily harm to that most crucial component in any viable product's business cycle. We at Electromagnetic Networks fully agree with this opinion, and can only urge you to recognize the brilliance of this invention and to overlook the numerous flaws of the inventors themselves.
Imagine how much more enjoyable your entire kitchen experience can be with a cooking hammer that doesn't stick to your foods! Omlettes will no longer be a word of terror! Now you can make meringue like Mom made, with dramatically less cleanup! Homemade orange juice is just as easy as putting up a picture, and you can do both with the same tool! Just run the Non-Stick Hammer under warm water, and it's ready for use again, just like that!
The Non-Stick hammer (soon available for sale in the Electromagnetic Networks Store) is available in both regular and deluxe models. The regular Non-Stick Hammer reflects the care that Electromagnetic Networks puts into every product (and unfortunately for our healthcare provider, the same rigorous stress-tests every product smaller than a breadbox seems to get). But if you act now, or at least, within a short period of time after the availability of the Deluxe Non-Stick Hammer, we'll throw in a free map of Scranton, PA, with the locations of all of the Cracker Barrels precircled for your travelling convenience! Act now, or at least, as soon as you can - this offer is only good while supplies last! 2
Note 1: The escape of the Gin bottles from harm is self-explantory. The survival of the Cocoa Chown can only be explained by the irrational hatred our engineers have developed for breakfast cereals recently. The Dent-Resistant Fake Plastic Smartasses, on the other hand, presumably managed to live up to their names, and were only mildly scuffed and deformed. 3
Note 2: Electromagnetic Networks is not affiliated with CBRL Group, Inc., nor with the AAA. Do not use the Non-Stick Hammer while driving.
Note 3: It is not clear which, if any, of the Fake Plastic Smartasses found littering the lab were original prototypes (and had been damaged during original testing), and which were "liberated" from our warehouses and subsequently savaged.
After the mayhem caused by our engineers running amok in the Marketing Department, and our premiums going up again, we at Electromagnetic Networks have chosen to sacrifice our R&D costs in favor of our insurance premiums, and have finally fired our rampaging souses of engineers.
I agree
by Andrea (ashek33@hotmail.com) on 01/31/2003 at 14:32 (#1)
I feel that what you are saying in this application is very true. We all need to be informed of the changes in food technology around us. Thank you for your valuable information.
Your Pal,
Andrea
I agree
by I agree (chunkylover53@aol.com) on 03/14/2003 at 15:29 (#2)
I agree about this information.
Thank you !
I agree
by Regi (chunkylover53@aol.com) on 03/14/2003 at 15:31 (#3)
I agree about this information.
Thank you !
Fascinating!
by Potential Investor (lottamoney2burn@aol.com) on 08/31/2004 at 21:54 (#4)
I find the elements of this invention both fascinating and captivating! The food service industry will soon be revolutionized. I can only imagine how in only a few short years we will look back at ordinary hammers, covered with caked on food and food by products (yech) and smirk knowingly.
I applaud the inventors at electromegnetic industries for their imagination and dedication. However, I also put forth a challenge - consider the wonders one might find in an ELECTRIC nonstick hammer! But wait - lets take that leap into the modern age - a plug and play USB 2.0 electric nonstick hammer (with a firewire adapter available to make it MAC compatible)!
Please feel free to contact us should you decide this challenge worthy of electromegnetic industries. We would love to invest in such a venture.
Total Comments: 4
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