05/24/02: For immediate release
Keywords: innovative descriptive superlatives
Updated: Yesterday's slogan is accurate, but we fired two people anyway. Looking to the Laboratories for inspiration, we have managed to come up with a new direction: "Our engineers aren't as drunk as you think."
Updated: Yesterday's wording, both of the update and of the slogan itself, was clumsy and overwrought. Trying again: "When good enough is."
Updated: Yesterday's slogan is about as accurate as a blind archer who has been hit on the head repeatedly. Electromagnetic Networks: "Adequate tolerance technology."
Updated: Dmitrius pointed out that none of our products actually measure anything at all, let alone measure precisely. Therefore, we are refocusing our word concept: "Low error technology."
Updated: Upon further clarification from Nikolaius, it seems that yesterday's slogan was not quite accurate. In an effort to dispose of the reams of letterhead that an overzealous middle manager ordered as his last official expense here, we have taken a step back, and reevaluated an early concept: "High precision technology."
Updated: Nikolaius pointed out that yesterday's slogan is not quote accurate. Electromagnetic Networks: "We don't wanna."
Updated: Somebody is going to get retroactively fired for that stinker. Further, we have now instituted a strict policy of giving cookies to our test audiences after their opinions have been solicited. Moving along, here is the best slogan we could come up with after yesterday's disgrace. Electromagnetic Networks: "Because we want to."
Updated: After yesterday's slogan went down like a lead balloon, we decided that we would follow time-tested product analysis techniques, and solicit suggestions at the local shopping mall. Here is the slogan they produced that best represents the Laboratories' path in the marketplace: "We put the sex in your mom."
Updated: Yesterday's slogan lacked a certain panache. We have given the manager in charge of the New Slogans project one final attempt before we handed him his pink slip: "Everything is terribly wrong."
Updated: We don't know how this keeps happening. We fired another couple of accountants for this. Here's our new effort: "Something is terribly wrong."
Updated: Dmitrius: I had to take a quick jaunt out of town. Can you please make sure this new slogan gets posted? Use my template. Insert excuse as to why previous slogan failed. Add new slogan from Accounting (after mentioning Electromagnetic Networks): "We make up our numbers."
Updated: Yesterday's slogan is not quite right somehow. Since Accounting has been doing fairly well up to this point, we have continued to rely on them for subtle changes. Here is the new Electromagnetic Networks slogan: "Our quality is reflected by inaccurate numbers."
Updated: We fired the accountant who came up with yesterday's slogan. Avoiding the appearance of impropriety is Electromagnetic Networks' number one focus (after making money, of course). Here is the new revision: "Our quality is inaccurately reflected by our numbers."
Updated: Since the entire point of the new slogans is to help us make our numbers, as it were, we sent yesterday's slogan back to Accounting and asked for a quick touch-up. With no further ado, here is our new slogan: "We make up our numbers."
Updated: We initially liked yesterday's slogan a great deal, until we pulled up our sales figures for last quarter and had to go on a firing spree. One of our accountants proposed a new twist to the slogan: "We make our numbers."
Updated: Yesterday's slogan is just not reassuring. We are proud to present our new slogan: "Our quality is reflected in our numbers."
Update: As one of our new engineers pointed out after he arrived at work at his usual hour of 3 PM, there is something wrong with the claim "We don't miss our target by more than four feet." It seems that experimental results do not correlate. Therefore, we have amended yesterday's slogan: "We don't miss our target by less than four feet."
Updated: "We rarely miss our target." This is just flagrantly wrong. We have painstakingly corrected the previous slogan to: "We don't miss our target by more than four feet."
Updated: Sadly, yesterday's slogan was an inaccurate description of the fine reputation that our Laboratories have acquired: "We rarely miss our target."
Updated: In an effort to get a replacement slogan into the mindview, we accidentally chose a slogan that was only half right. We have taken an entirely new tack, and present our new slogan: "We hit the target."
Updated: We at Electromagnetic Networks apologize for the confusion. In an effort to position our branding in the marketplace more effectively, we failed to rigorously examine the consequences of choosing as a slogan the phrase "Technology you can abuse." Upon further analysis, we realized that this slogan is too reminiscent of illegal addictions. Therefore, we present our replacement slogan: "Useless technology."
Updated: So far the only technology we've been able to use was the Nonstick Hammer, and that was after we scraped all of the nonstick coating off of it. Therefore, we have chosen a more accurate slogan for our Laboratories: "Technology you can abuse."
Updated: Upon realizing that none of our products actually have intentionally sharp edges, we have abandoned "Cutting edge innovation." Instead, we are proud to present our new slogan: "Technology you can use."
Upon the advice of our new engineers corps, we fired our entire Advertising Department, except for the bright chap who came up with the Hoe-Hose 'Hos, whom we will welcome back to the Electromagnetic Networks flagship of quality once his sentence for moral corruption is served.
In an effort to boost our suddenly falling sales, we have decided to entirely reshape our corporate image. We are kicking off this new philosophy with an entirely brand-new slogan, to replace our previous lackluster slogan for the Laboratories of "We drink just to get through the day." This slogan not only failed to inspire consumer confidence, but it did not accurately express Electromagnetic Networks' unwavering dedication towards the goal of being the last consulting company you will ever want to hire.
On that note, we are proud to unveil our new slogan, designed expressly to bring Electromagnetic Networks and the Laboratories into the forefront of the highly competitive outsourced consulting field.
We at Electromagnetic Networks are using this month as a testing grounds, to elicit consumer feedback on the new slogan, as well as to test our as-yet unproven pet theory of how to write advertising copy; that if the name of the company, in this case, Electromagnetic Networks, is used as many times as possible in a single press release, it will be as effective as a subliminal advertising campaign, without breaking any of those pesky laws forbidding such tactics. 1
Just remember, when you think of Electromagnetic Networks, one thing should spring to mind. Electromagnetic Networks: Our engineers aren't as drunk as you think.
Note 1: This theory is the sole responsibility of the nephew of our CTO, who has taken over the duties of the Advertising Department now that nearly all of them are unemployed. As the CTO put it, if we're going to be experimenting with bold new paradigm shifts at Electromagnetic Networks, we may as well try several at once. Also his nephew managed to find the exit from the cardboard box he had been inhabiting in the CTO's living room for the past four years, and needed something new to keep him busy. Electromagnetic Networks Electromagnetic Networks Electromagnetic Networks.
how can I get
by Stormking (email@example.com) on 05/01/2002 at 14:18 (#1)
Your new product *drool* electromagnetic.net I'm sure it will clean my gutters in 1/2 the time. I must have it! besides I need to ferment my cheese in under three seconds!
by Kevin (firstname.lastname@example.org) on 05/02/2002 at 12:31 (#2)
As for the new slogan, I was thinking of something along the lines of "If you've got lawsuits --we've got defendents."
You've got lawsuits, we've got defendents.
by Pasta Man () on 05/03/2002 at 14:35 (#3)
Although we initially liked the slogan Kevin suggested even more than our current slogan, upon deeper consideration, we realized that such a slogan might not achieve our desired goal of improving the Laboratories' reputation nor that of reducing our capital expenditures. Nonetheless, we at Electromagnetic Networks thank you for your positive interest.
by Stormking (email@example.com) on 05/07/2002 at 13:59 (#6)
Howabout a slogan of, faster slogan generation than the french?
by Kevin (firstname.lastname@example.org) on 05/10/2002 at 11:51 (#7)
Perhaps, "We Make Our's Numb" or "We Make Our's Number."
I think the following definition is lab-relevant:
numb Pronunciation Key (nm)
adj. numb·er, numb·est
Deprived of the power to feel or move normally; benumbed: toes numb with cold; too numb with fear to cry out.
Emotionally unresponsive; indifferent: numb to yet another appeal.
how about ...
by fingerpaint (email@example.com) on 06/13/2002 at 00:17 (#8)
Electromagnetic Networks - When you've got nothing left to lose
Total Comments: 6
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