Next Generation of Fake Plastic Smartass Developed

09/26/01: For immediate release
Keywords: dent-resistant fake quality

Electromagnetic Networks asks you if your fake plastic smartass is becoming damaged or dented. Do you feel that you are not getting your full value out of your fake plastic smartass? Is your smartass too fragile?

Well, worry no longer! Electromagnetic Networks is proud to release the next breakthrough in fake plastic smartasses - the Dent-Resistant Fake Plastic Smartass! This is the product of hours of painstaking research in fake plastic smartass technology, conducted by our very own Laboratories. Our smartasses represent the ultimate in fake plastic smartasses. In fact, we at Electromagnetic Networks will go so far as to say that we have redefined fake plastic smartasses!

fake pla·stic smart·ass (fk pls'tk smärt's') (n.)
1. An imitation smartass made of a polymerized substance. 2. A highly durable version of the previous definition produced by Electromagnetic Networks that surpasses all prior art and expectations.

In an effort to guarantee that the Dent-Resistant Fake Plastic Smartass stood up to every word in the name, several rigorous tests needed to be performed. Clearly, the new product was a Smartass. Our Engineers sprung into action, creating a lengthy checklist of no less than three (3) items to ensure that not only did the Dent-Resistant Fake Plastic Smartass stand up to the high standards of quality associated with the Electromagnetic Networks name, but also to reassure our legal department that no false advertising would engendered by calling this product a Dent-Resistant Fake Plastic Smartass.

  1. Is it a Plastic Smartass?
  2. Is it a Fake Plastic Smartass?
  3. Is it a Dent-Resistant Fake Plastic Smartass?

Our Engineers easily confirmed that this development Smartass was indeed made entirely and completely of plastic. Not only did it melt, but after being exposed to sufficient heat, the sample product actually caught fire. 1

Next, our Engineers determined if the development Plastic Smartass was genuine or not. They each asked the other if perhaps the other had slipped away unnoticed and obtained a real smartass without telling. Once both Engineers had assured each other that the smartass in question had not been replaced with a Genuine Plastic Smartass, this step was checked off.

Finally, all that remained to be established was whether or not the Fake Plastic Smartass was truly Dent-Resistant. Not ones to indulge in premature celebration, our Engineers set out immediately to obtain definitive proof. After a brief sojourn at a local bar for refreshment, our Engineers carefully placed a sample development Fake Plastic Smartass in the middle of a busy interstate. Several hours later, after it was jostled to the embankment and our Engineers were sober enough to be able to retrieve it safely, they compared it with a control development Fake Plastic Smartass. Although the test development Fake Plastic Smartass was scuffed and substantially dirtier than the control Fake Plastic Smartass, it had suffered nearly unnoticeable flattening. 2

Our Engineers rejoiced. This new product had been proven to be a genuine Dent-Resistant Fake Plastic Smartass(TM)!

And remember, this Dent-Resistant Fake Plastic Smartass is solid plastic - accept no cheap imitations!

Note 1: In their zeal to ensure that the proposed Dent-Resistant Fake Plastic Smartass was made of Plastic, and not some other substance that both melted and burned, such as wax, our Engineers engaged in a pyromaniacal frenzy of such proportion that it took two fire engines and application of a bean-filled whack-bonk to dissuade them from continuing research longer than strictly required in the name of Science.

Note 2: This flattening was so mild that it could only be detected with extremely high-precision tools, such as a ruler, or possibly a yardstick.

Comments on this Document
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Next product?
by radiohead () on 09/29/2001 at 14:34 (#1)
Fake Plastic Watering Can

next product..
by Hawklord ( on 09/30/2001 at 05:32 (#2)
..... fake plastic imitation nauga hide

bean filled whack bonk
by Katharsis () on 06/19/2003 at 16:29 (#3)
did you know that this is the only reference that google can find for "bean filled whack bonk". lets hope more people step up to the task of spreading the word.

Total Comments: 3

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