The Line

03/25/02: For immediate release
Keywords: development amazing newsworthy

In a bold and unprecedented move, Electromagnetic Networks senior management wisely chose to eliminate the constant drain of those employees masquerading as a pure research group. Unfortunately, with this far-seeing shift in focus came a slight downturn in the innovation of new products. The nimble and resourceful Marketing Department leapt to the call, and has discovered yet another landmark for the annals of Electromagnetic Networks.

After considerable analysis of the existing market and extensive focus group studies, we in Marketing have successfully discovered that the brand of cookies we were offering test groups was quite delicious. However, since these cookies were not made by Electromagnetic Networks, and the one attempt we made at feeding these focus groups "Cocoa Chown" caused widespread rioting, we were forced to turn to an outside consulting group for a reassessment of our market position.

It was a quite clever decision, if we do say so ourselves. Since we in Marketing do not have the background in "blue-sky development" that our former engineers purported to possess, it seemed an ingenious idea to allow external development groups to bid for the new contract. There were minor impediments to the process, such as when our former employees arrived wearing outrageous wigs and claiming to be consultants, but a quick call to the local law enforcement, as well as to the National Guard, quickly put a halt to such shenanigans. ¹

After extended fact-finding missions, the consulting company came to an amazing realization. Electromagnetic Networks has crossed almost any line in the sand that one could think of. In fact, nearly every metric one could apply to successful businesses has been shattered by Electromagnetic Networks. The clear, easy-to-read diagrams that our consultants provided us with tell the entire story!

      planning ahead       | excessive paranoia
---------------------------+-------------------
          OTHERS           |  EMNet: the RAIP

    careful development    |    low humor
---------------------------+-----------------
           OTHERS          | EMNet: the EFTRK

best programming practices |       awful hacks
---------------------------+------------------------
           OTHERS          | EMNet: The TCP/IP Mound

         bad taste         |         awful aftertaste
---------------------------+---------------------------------
          OTHERS           | EMNet: cereals & Sweet 'n' Nasty

       due diligence       | appalling fiduciary misconduct
---------------------------+-------------------------------
           OTHERS          |  EMNet: the Cereal World Tour

         gardening         |        pimping
---------------------------+-------------------------
          OTHERS           | EMNet: the Hoe-Hose 'Hos

         showering         |        drinking
---------------------------+-----------------------
          OTHERS           | EMNet: the Wet Dry Bar

         research          |           plagiarism
---------------------------+--------------------------------
          OTHERS           | EMNet: the Gigasecond countdown

          science          |    baseless slurs
---------------------------+---------------------
          OTHERS           | EMNet: Science Sucks

         anything          | the Fake Plastic Smartass
---------------------------+--------------------------
          OTHERS           |      EMNet: the FPS

         sobriety          |          near-lethal intoxication
---------------------------+-------------------------------------------
          OTHERS           | EMNet: practically every product, actually

  electrical engineering   |     drug abuse
---------------------------+-------------------
          OTHERS           | EMNet: the MOSPHET

          safety           |               sheer recklessness
---------------------------+-----------------------------------------------
          OTHERS           | EMNet: the Non-Stick Hammer and especially the
                           |                  Clue-by-Four

We've even crossed the line of common decency! It certainly takes a bold, forward-thinking company to refuse to allow simple-minded claims of "It cannot be done!" "It must not be done!" or even "You're going to jail if you don't stop right now!" to stand in the way. Just think what Electromagnetic Networks can do to you, or even do for you!

Note 1: While the police were escorting the engineers off of the property, widespread rioting again broke out, but it was nothing that the National Guard were incapable of dealing with, especially given their familiarity with Electromagnetic Networks and our former engineers.

After the incredible amount of money that our Marketing Department wasted on this press release, and with even less to show for it than the hangovers that our former engineers often acquired, we at Electromagnetic Networks have chosen to do without the obvious waste of valuable oxygen that our Marketing Department used to consume, and have summarily sacked them all without references.

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